


More Things in Heaven and Earth

by AncientMonument



Category: Holby City
Genre: Career Change, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:14:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26485501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AncientMonument/pseuds/AncientMonument
Summary: Something unexpected happens at the hospital.  It stirs up some difficult feelings for Serena. Bernie tries to support her and in the process reveals something else Serena wasn't expecting.
Relationships: Serena Campbell/Bernie Wolfe
Comments: 4
Kudos: 42





	More Things in Heaven and Earth

Morven was observing Modupe, the new F1, irrigating Mr. Fleming’s eyes when she heard the squeal. Whirling round she saw Donna staring at the computer screen with a hand over her mouth. Whatever had caused that reaction could not be good. Morven waited until she was satisfied Modupe had completed the procedure properly then excused herself and hurried across the ward to the nurses’ station. Raf and Fletch were already standing beside Donna. They both looked serious. Even the stoic Lou was peering at the screen.

“Oh this is not good,” groaned Donna. “This’ll really put the cat among the pigeons.”

“That’s the understatement of the decade,” said Raf grimly.

“Understatement of the bleedin’ millennium,” said Fletch. “Not April 1st is it?”

“What is it?” asked Morven. “Why are you all -” Donna turned the screen in her direction “- oh. Oh dear. Yes, I see. Yes.”

“What are we going to do?” said Donna. “She’ll go ballistic.”

“Ms. Wolfe. Obviously,” said Lou.

They all looked at her.

“Lou, you are a genius. I could kiss you,” said Fletch.

“Sod off,” muttered Lou with a glare. She picked up a chart and headed off towards bed six. “Ms. Dobrowski, how’s the pain now?”

“Where is Bernie anyway?” asked Raf, looking round the ward.

“She got called to the ED,” said Donna. “Nasty accident at the new development down by the docks. Jacob said it was something to do with pouring concrete.”

“She’s been gone ages,” said Morven. “What time is Ms. Campbell in today?”

“Ten till seven,” said Donna. “She told me yesterday that she had to go straight up to see Mr. Hanssen when she came in this morning and not to page her unless it was an emergency.”

“This is as near to a non-medical emergency as you can get,” said Raf. “Somebody should let her know asap.”

“Nah, Lou’s right mate. Let Bernie deal with this,” said Fletch. “Pass me the phone please Donna. Thanks. Hi, could I speak to Jacob or Charlie please? Adrian Fletcher from AAU. Yes, thanks. Charlie, hi mate, it’s Fletch. Is Ms. Wolfe still there? Oh she has, right. No, all fine. No, no need. Thanks, yes, bye.” He replaced the receiver. “Apparently she’s not long left.”

“We’d better go back to work then,” said Morven. “Whoops, too late.”

Bernie strode through the double doors.

“Is there a reason why everyone is standing around and Lou is the only person actually engaging in patient care?” she asked.

Nobody spoke.

“Right, what’s happened?” Bernie demanded.

“There’s a bit of a situation,” Morven began. “Well, it’s more of a potential situation really. The latest Chaplaincy Bulletin has come through and it says – well, it’s rather awkward -”

“It’s this,” Donna interrupted, standing to one side and gesturing at the computer screen. Bernie stepped nearer and looked at it. 

“Ah,” she said.

“It was sent at eleven thirty-four,” said Raf. “So we don’t think Serena can have seen it yet.”

“We thought it might be a bit of a shock for her,” said Morven.

“She, um, she might want someone to, um, show her the e-mail, rather than just finding out,” said Fletch.

“Just imagine if she missed it and didn’t find out until it was too late,” added Donna.

Bernie looked at them all.

“You want me to tell her,” she said.

Nobody said anything.

“Okay,” she sighed. “I’ll message her and ask her to come back here when she leaves Mr. Hanssen rather than going on to lunch.”

“Wouldn’t it be better if she had lunch first?” said Fletch. “It might not be the best thing to hear if she’s a bit stressed and hungry.”

Bernie gave him a disbelieving look.

“Exactly what do you think she’s going to do Fletch?” she said. She shook her head and walked to the office.

Morven put her hand on Fletch’s arm.

“I wouldn’t answer that if I were you,” she said.

Fletch was probably right about lunch, Bernie reflected as she stared at the e-mail. She thought quickly and formulated a plan. Unlike the ward staff she was not scared of Serena’s reaction, but she was concerned Serena would be upset by the news. This might drag up some extremely painful memories for her. She heard the ward doors open and Serena’s voice came into earshot. As she approached the office Bernie began to pick out the words.

“ . . . and I said to him that hell would freeze over before the board would agree to _that_. Hello Bernie,” Serena swept into the office, clearly relishing relaying the morning’s hostilities to Raf who trailed in behind her. “Guy kept banging on about Darwin being a more suitable pilot, but Henrik still wants to go with Ortho.”

Bernie hastily closed the e-mail and smiled up at her partner, she hoped convincingly.

“What did Jac say?” asked Raf.

“She said she had no interest in playing politics with patient outcomes and they could leave Darwin out of it.”

“Ouch!” said Raf.

“Quite,” said Serena. “But you know Guy Self, he’s beyond shame. Ric tried to smooth things over a bit of course, but the damage was done by then. I got your message Bernie. Is everything okay?”

“I thought it would be nice to have lunch together if the coast was clear,” said Bernie, stoutly avoiding looking at Raf.

Serena’s smile of pleasure was so bright Bernie felt a little guilty.

“Lovely idea. Don’t worry about the ward, you both get off for an hour. I’ll hold the fort,” said Raf. Bernie wasn’t sure whether to make a mental note to thank him or to give him an extra-early start on the next week’s roster.

“So where are you taking me for our lunch date?” asked Serena when they had left the ward. “Pulses? Staff canteen? Fag on the roof?”

“I thought a picnic in the Peace Garden would be nice. I can get the coffees in and you can nip over to the pub and get us a sandwich each. You choose.”

She tossed her purse to Serena who caught it neatly and headed off in the direction of Albies. Bernie bought the coffees, thinking as she tapped her card how relieved she was that Serena had agreed straight off with her suggestion. There was little chance of Serena running into a colleague in the know at Albies at lunchtime. She still wasn’t sure what the best way to broach the subject might be.

By the time Bernie had settled herself on a secluded bench in a pleasant green spot she had decided that this was not a time for the “softly-softly” approach. Serena joined her, returned her purse and handed her a paper bag. Bernie mentally held her nose and jumped straight in.

“I know you want to tell me about the meeting, and I do want to hear about it, but I have to tell you something first,” she said.

Serena immediately stopped unwrapping her sandwich. 

“What’s wrong love?” she asked.

“The Trust’s monthly Chaplaincy Bulletin arrived this morning. Lexy Morrell has a new volunteer who’ll be working with the Chaplaincy team three days a week for the next twelve weeks.”

“Why are you worried about that?” said Serena. “Oh, I see, it’s someone you know isn’t it. Shit, it’s not Leah Faulkner is it? Oh thank goodness. Alex hasn’t gone and got God has she? Don’t worry, it won’t be a problem if she turns up on AAU. I’ll be fine with it and I’ll make sure there’s not a peep out of any of the staff.”

Serena was so generous-hearted and protective, Bernie thought. She felt wretched having to tell her this.

“It’s not Alex,” she said gently. “It’s Edward.”

Serena looked puzzled. “Edward who?”

“Um, your Edward.”

“Edward? You mean _Edward_ Edward?” 

Bernie nodded. Serena stared at her in blank incomprehension.

“That can’t be right.” she said finally.

“The team showed me the e-mail. They thought you should know as soon as possible to avoid any awkwardness. Plus they were concerned it may be a bit of a shock for you.”

“Bless them,” said Serena fondly. Bernie let that one lie. “What did it say exactly, the e-mail?”

“Oh, you know, the usual. The Holby Trust Chaplaincy is happy to welcome Edward Campbell to the team on a three-month voluntary placement et cetera, et cetera. Apparently he’s changing careers.”

Serena shook her head as if she had water in her ears.

“This is a mistake, it’s got to be. There’s more chance of me marrying Henrik than there is of Edward coming over all religious.”

“You could always speak to Lexy before he arrives, just to check things out a bit,” suggested Bernie.

Serena considered that for a moment.

“I don’t think so. And I’d rather you didn’t either. I don’t want anything getting back to Edward, I don’t want him having the satisfaction. No, I’ll just wait it out and deal with it if and when I have to. He may not even come to AAU.”

Serena’s hopes proved misplaced. Early the following Sunday morning she was called in for an emergency. She returned to the ward just before half-past ten, tired but content after a difficult but ultimately successful few hours in theatre. She was happy to see everything was going smoothly. It was Raf’s weekend off. Ever-reliable Lou and a locum registrar who had worked on AAU several times before appeared to have things well under control. They were being ably assisted by Modupe who, Serena reflected with satisfaction, was already showing exceptional promise. Serena stood at the nurses’ station and cast a gratified look around the ward. She acknowledged the staff and picked up her bag to leave. As she did so the ward doors opened. Lexy Morrell and a stout middle-aged man wearing a clerical collar walked in. Behind them was Edward.

“Good morning Serena,” smiled Lexy. “How are you? This is a nice surprise, we don’t usually see you here on Sunday mornings. This is Father Walsh from Our Lady of the Rosary in Holby West. You’ve a couple of Roman Catholics on the ward and he’s come to give them Communion. You know Edward of course, he’s here on a volunteer placement.”

Edward smiled awkwardly. “First day. Hello, Serena,” he said.

Serena waited for him to say something more, something flippant or smarmily personal. When he said nothing else she was thrown. A gratingly bright and insincere voice replied to Lexy. Serena realised it was her own but did not seem able to stop.

“Good morning to you Father Walsh, Serena Campbell, clinical lead. Good morning Lexy. I must say you’re looking better than the last time we saw you on AAU. Hello Edward. I’d like to say it’s a pleasure, but it would be very bad form to come out with an outright lie in front of a man of the cloth. The ward is working well today and I want to go and enjoy Sunday lunch with my family, so please try and leave my nurses and F1’s alone and keep your hands off the Communion wine. I’m sorry Lexy, Father Walsh, can’t stop, I’ve been in since just after four and I really need to get home.”

“So I left them all standing there and came home,” Serena said, putting her head in her hands. “I can’t believe I said that to Lexy about looking better. Considering she had half a stained-glass window stuck in her abdomen at the time it would be a cause for concern if she wasn’t. And to carry on at Edward like that in front of Lou and Modupe and the locum, and that poor priest.”

“And the patients,” said Bernie. “Mind, they probably enjoyed the entertainment.”

“I really dealt with it badly,” sighed Serena. “To be honest Bernie I wasn’t professional. I need to apologise to Lexy.”

“Again,” said Bernie.

“I know,” Serena sighed again. “I’ll go to the Chaplaincy Office first thing tomorrow.”

At five to nine the following morning Serena clipped on her pager, told Donna to call her at once if she was needed and took the lift up to the Chaplaincy Office. The door was propped open and Lexy was making tea. She looked up when she heard Serena knock and clear her throat.

“Hello Serena, do come in. I wanted to catch up with you today. I was going to pop down to AAU later. Would you like some morning tea? It’ll be good to share it with someone.”

Serena went in. She closed the door behind her and sat where Lexy indicated. Lexy handed her a cup of tea, then sat down herself and waited. The compassion on her face made Serena feel angry, though she could not at that moment work out why. She took a deep, steadying breath, then another, forcing herself to calm down before she spoke. She looked directly at Lexy. 

“I’ve come about my behaviour yesterday morning. I was discourteous and unprofessional. I am sorry. I unreservedly apologise and I would be very grateful if you could pass that on to Father Walsh.”

“Thank you, Serena. I will pass that on,” said Lexy. “I understand it may have felt awkward, Edward being with us. AAU is your space.”

Serena again took a deep breath. She made herself wait before replying .

“Look, Lexy, I am not trying to justify my rudeness yesterday, I truly am not. I am embarrassed by it. But it would be a dereliction of duty as a fellow professional not to warn you about Edward. He’s a drunk and a womanizer. He can also be extremely charming and is a very proficient liar. I cannot imagine what his motivation possibly can be for latching himself on to you. I suppose he’s burnt his boats clinically so he’s finding an alternative route to work his way back into the hospital sector. I don’t know what he has told you, but his reckless drinking nearly cost me my career. Please, be careful.”

Lexy was quiet for a moment.

“I have spoken at length with Edward on more than one occasion,” she said at last. “It is part of my role to stand with him as he explores his calling.”

Serena wondered whether something strange had happened to the cosmos overnight and she had woken into what looked like an ordinary Monday morning but was in fact a parallel universe. Lexy continued.

“It’s not my story to tell,” she said. “If you want to know why Edward is doing what he is doing then the only person who can explain is Edward himself.”

Serena successfully fought back a biting rejoinder. She sipped her tea while considering her next move. In the end there was only one thing she could do.

“Please,” she said, hating the note of pleading in her voice. “Don’t bring him to AAU again.”

Lexy nodded, still with that infuriating mild expression. Knowing she would not be able to keep calm for much longer Serena stood up to leave. She thanked Lexy and returned to AAU, taking the lift up to the top floor twice first to allow herself time to regain her composure.

For the next fortnight there was neither sight nor mention of Edward. Serena stopped looking for him every time she stepped off the ward and Bernie stopped looking for signs of Serena being agitated every time she returned to it. She primed the staff not to talk about Edward in front of Serena and made a point of putting a stop to any gossip she walked in on. She also had a tactful word with Modupe to try and smooth over any bad impression the Sunday morning incident may have made on the young woman. This turned out to be unnecessary. Modupe told her with careful politeness and an indifference Jac Naylor would have been proud of that her priority was her rotation, she had no interest in any issues Ms. Campbell may have with other hospital departments. Bernie nodded and walked away, secretly rather impressed. Normality was restored. 

It might have stayed that way had Serena not been called to Keller for an urgent consult. Sasha greeted her warmly and explained the patient’s condition. They looked at the scans. Serena agreed with Sasha that surgery was necessary and undertook to scrub in. Due to the danger of vascular compromise the procedure couldn’t wait, so they scheduled it for early that afternoon. Serena had a quick lunch then returned to Keller. The operation went as well as could be expected. After scrubbing out she and Sasha went to the Keller staff room for a cup of tea and a debrief.

“Right, well, I’ll pop back up tomorrow and see how he’s doing,” Serena stood up to leave.

“Thanks Serena,” Sasha said, seeing her to the door.

They walked back out on to the ward to see Dom talking to an emotional-looking older couple. He was holding two enormous bunches of flowers and two envelopes.

“I’ll see he gets them, I promise,” he was saying as Serena and Sasha approached. The woman spotted them. She hurried to Sasha and wrung his hand.

“Mr. Levy,” she said. “We had to come to thank you all for what you did for David.”

“Mrs. Banham,” Sasha covered her hands with his. “Mr. Banham. How are you both?”

The man stepped forward. Serena saw he had been crying.

“We were just saying to Mr. Copeland here, we knew David wasn’t going to come home -” his face contorted and his voice cracked “ – but thanks to you wonderful people he - it was – it was so peaceful. He wasn’t in pain and he wasn’t frightened. Edward stayed with him as long as he could.”

“David only knew him for the last few days, but he trusted him,” said his wife. “He said to me, Mum, Edward knows. He’s an addict too.”

“There’s flowers there for Edward to say thanks,” said Mr. Banham. “Mr. Copeland says you’ll be able to get them to him.”

“Of course we will,” said Sasha.

Serena felt nauseous. She made a polite waving gesture at Sasha and Dom and hurried out of the ward. She stopped in the stairwell and sank down on the top step. Edward, her cheating, lying drunk of an ex-husband who had gone on holiday after they had buried Elinor had sat comforting a dying man and now his grieving parents were bringing flowers and fervent thanks. It was insupportable. She shrugged off her blouse, folded it into a small rectangle, placed it over her knees, pressed her face into it and yelled wordlessly into the muffling fabric. After that she felt slightly better. She shook out her blouse and put it back on. I need a cup of tea and a breath of fresh air, she thought. She hurried down the stairs and into Pulses, intending to buy a tea and take it outside for a few minutes. She paid for her tea and turned around to go back out of the coffee shop. Her gaze was inexorably drawn to table in a corner, in the same way that when she entered a room her eye would always find a spider on the wall. Edward was sitting at it reading a large hardbacked book. Serena’s feelings got the better of her. This hospital was her territory. She marched over to the table and positioned herself in front of it with her arms folded.

“Reading the Good Book are we Edward?”

“Hello Serena,” said Edward. He held the book up so she could read the cover. It was a large-print detective novel. Undeterred Serena tried a different line of attack.

“What’s with the large print?” she asked. “Too much self-care?”

“It’s my father-in-law’s,” said Edward. “He’s partially sighted. He also has good taste in fiction. Would you like to sit down?”

“There are flowers for you on Keller. It seems your angel of mercy act has made an impression,” Serena accepted his invitation and took the chair opposite him. “What are you up to Edward? What’s all this about?”

“Still taking no prisoners I see. I’m reading and relaxing with a cup of coffee while I’m waiting for my wife to collect me,” said Edward. “But you don’t mean that, do you?”

“Ha!” said Serena. “How perceptive of you. No, I don’t. Tell me, why are you working with Lexy? She’s bought whatever lies you’ve told her, but I’m not as naïve.”

As she spoke Serena unconsciously leaned closer into Edward’s space, the tone of her voice hardening. Edward did not flinch, but he did not raise his voice in response either.

“I’m exploring whether or not I would be any good as a chaplain,” he said. “I’ve got a good ten or fifteen years of work left in me yet all being well. I’d like to do something worthwhile with them, give something back. I have not lied to Lexy. Although you’re losing your touch if you think she’s naïve.”

“Go on then,” Serena challenged him. “Make me believe it. Tell me what you told her to make her think a drunken, lying, promiscuous, grabbing wastrel could possibly be let anywhere near sick people and grieving relatives.”

“I understand you see me as contemptible,” said Edward.

“Oh how big of you!” Serena almost spat the interruption.

“No, I do. I was all those things. I am trying to change though, with God’s help. I have been sober for seven hundred and eighty-nine days. I am thankful for every one of them. I was a mess. After – after what happened to Elinor I went on a bender for five months solid. I drank constantly and didn’t eat properly. I lost my job. I was arrested for drink-driving and lost my licence. Liberty left me. I collapsed on my way home one night and nearly died of exposure. I ended up in St. James’s. I realised then I didn’t want to die, I’d been given another chance.”

“Ellie never got another chance,” Serena said bitterly. “She barely got a first one.”

“I know,” said Edward. “And I can never forget that any more than you can. So I won’t waste mine. I found my faith and I went into rehab. It’s been hard, for Liberty and for me, she’s had issues too, but we’re both getting back on a more even keel now.”

“I thought you said she’d left you.”

“She did. But – well, we got back together. I’m grateful for that. What about you? Are you still with your partner?”

“Yes,” said Serena. 

“Are you happy with her?”

“Yes, very” said Serena. “Not that it’s any business of yours.”

“Good,” said Edward. “I’m pleased for you. May I ask you a question?”

“Go on,” said Serena, warily.

“When we bumped into each other on my first day you said you had a family. Um – who? Are they your partner’s people?”

“She does have children, but I have a nephew and he has a wife and young daughter. Did you know about him? Jason?”

“Yes,” said Edward. “Elinor told me about him. She wasn’t too impressed.”

Despite herself Serena smiled. “I can imagine.”

“You are lucky to have them,” Edward said. 

Serena looked at him. He had an expression she’d never seen on him before, tired, wistful. She thought of the handsome young man who had swept her off her feet thirty years before, so sexy and exciting, such fun. She could see no trace of him in this thin, weary person. 

“I am,” she conceded. She hesitated for a moment. Did she want an answer to her next question? “What did Elinor say?”

“She started going on about Jason taking her place and you’d like him better than her. I told her that was ridiculous and not to be a drama queen,”

“You – you did?” Edward had stuck up for her. That was a surprise.

“Of course I did. As if anything or anybody trumps your love for your child.”

Serena found herself unable to look at him. She stirred her tea.

“How are you doing Serena?” he asked, barely above a whisper.

“It doesn’t get easier, does it,” she said, feeling the pressure of tears beginning.

“No, no it doesn’t,” he sighed. There was a pause, during which Serena managed to compose herself. When she looked back at Edward’s face she saw he had been doing the same.

“Actually -” his voice strengthened a little “- Ellie was pretty cross with her grandmother. She said it was awful she’d deprived you of a relationship with your sister, and how could she have cut her Aunt Marjorie off from her family like that. She was especially angry that Adrienne had lied for all those years while having such high standards for everyone else. I know Ellie was difficult at times -”

“You can say that again,” said Serena, once again finding she had to smile at the recollection.

“Yes, but she had a good moral compass and that’s down to you. I was useless in that department.”

“She talked to you more though, I tended to be too judgmental. Nobody gets parenting perfectly right.”

“We both made mistakes,” said Edward. 

A spurt of rage shot through Serena. How _dare_ he liken her so-called mistakes to his drinking and philandering! 

She was forced to contain herself by Liberty arriving. Serena had not seen her since Elinor’s funeral. The past three and a half years had not been kind to her. She had gained weight and looked older.

“Hello Serena,” she said. “You and Eddie catching up? That’s nice”

Serena aimed for a polite smile. She suspected the attempt was a failure. 

“Here’s your books Ed,” said Liberty, bending to kiss him and depositing a carrier bag in front of him. “Thomas Aquinas and Strong’s Concordance. Edward’s going back to uni, he’s doing a part-time course in theology.” She looked proud.

“Serena doesn’t want to know that,” murmured Edward awkwardly.

“What are you doing these days Serena?” Liberty asked.

“Oh just the same boring old thing, being a senior consultant and saving the odd life,” Serena replied drily.

“I work on a cancer support helpline now,” Liberty said, oblivious to sarcasm as always. “I went into it as soon as I went into remission. We both want to do our bit now, don’t we Ed?”

Edward smiled at her. “We do,” he said, reaching for her hand.

Serena had a flashback to the disorientation she had experienced in Lexy’s office.

“I must go,” she said. “They’ll be needing me back on the ward.”

She left Pulses without saying goodbye.

Bernie was watching the news on BBC1 when Serena arrived home. She’d had a day off and had driven out into the countryside for a couple of hours. There was an appetizing smell coming from the kitchen and a steaming mug of tea on the coffee table. Serena stood in the doorway of the living room, still in her coat and with her bag over her shoulder, and to her embarrassment began to cry. Bernie jumped up at once. 

“Serena, what’s the matter?”

“I bet Edward – in Bulses – I’d been on Keller and I deeded tea,” sobbed Serena.

“What did he do? I’ll kill him!” said Bernie.

“Doh – doh deed – oh hag od,” Serena pulled herself together sufficiently to pull a tissue from her bag and blow her nose. “Sorry. There’s no need. He didn’t do or say anything worse than usual. It’s just all so – _wrong_.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“You’ve cooked.”

“It’s only a casserole, it can wait. I’ll turn the oven right down. Do you want to take off your coat and come and sit down?”

“Can we eat first?” said Serena. “I need to get my head around things a bit.”

They ate at the kitchen table. Bernie made light conversation about her walk and the things she had seen. Serena said little, but was grateful for the distraction. After they had finished Bernie cleared the table and sent Serena back into the living room while she loaded the dishwasher, then followed her with two glasses of wine.

“Would you like to talk now?” she asked, handing one to Serena as she sat down beside her on the sofa. 

“I don’t know where to start,” Serena said.

“You mentioned Keller?” Bernie prompted her.

“Sasha called me for a consult,” Serena began. “Vascular compromise following surgical complications, but that’s not relevant. We operated together and I went back to Keller . . .” She recounted the entire story to Bernie, who listened in silence. 

“You should have seen them Bernie, holding hands saying they were going to ‘do their bit’. I felt sick!” Serena was getting angry again.

“Why?” asked Bernie, quietly.

“Because it was disgusting!” said Serena with heat.

“Why?” asked Bernie again.

“Isn’t it obvious?” snapped Serena.

“No,” said Bernie. “It’s obvious you are incredibly angry at Edward. It’s not obvious why. Not to me anyway. Is it clear to you?”

Serena stared at her. She wanted to lash out, but as Bernie was not her target of choice she threw a cushion at the wall with as much force as she could instead.

“Fuck you! Fuck all of you!” she cried and burst into tears again, wrenching, exhausting tears that wouldn’t stop. Bernie held her through it until they eventually subsided. Serena lay against Bernie’s chest. She felt wrung out.

“It isn’t fair,” she said in a small voice. “Edward said he’s got a second chance. This is the man who went on holiday after we’d buried our daughter. He said we’d both made mistakes. He dared to say that, like all my best efforts were meaningless, like there was some kind of equivalence between them and his years of unacceptable behaviour! He drank and screwed around for years and now he thinks God will forgive him. He thinks he can go to AA or whatever he’s done and that he can reinvent himself as Holby’s answer to St. Francis of Assisi and it’ll all be alright. Where is the justice in that?”

“You don’t think he may be serious about trying to be a better person?” Bernie asked.

“Edward has always been a liar and a wastrel,” said Serena. “When he was in junior infants he used Blu-Tack in the egg and spoon race.”

Bernie did not laugh.

“Alright, I made that up,” Serena admitted. “I just don’t see why he’d do this. He’s got away with murder all his life with charm and duplicity. Why would he change now?”

“He lost his daughter,” said Bernie.

Serena pushed herself out of Bernie’s arms and locked eyes with her, face set, body rigid .

“Whose side are you on?” she grated.

“It isn’t about sides,” said Bernie. “It’s about lessening pain, it’s about healing. I love you, Serena. I know you still grieve very deeply for Elinor, and I know you always will, but this rage – it’s destructive, and it’s self-destructive most of all. Edward has his second chance as he sees it. He narrowly avoided dying himself - and I know what that’s like - he has his wife back, her cancer is in remission and he has his own health back too. I’m not saying he has made peace with what happened to Elinor, but he has found a healthier way of managing it.”

“Healthier than I have you mean,” Serena said. “OK, you don’t need to answer that. For what it’s worth you are right. I don’t think he deserves forgiveness and I find it very hard to believe he is sincere about this faith and abstinence stuff. Why should he get praise for giving up drink or have the comfort religion can bring? He doesn’t deserve that either.” 

“It wasn’t Edward’s fault Elinor died,” Bernie said gently.

Serena nodded, her anger dissolving back into tears.

“I know that really,” she gulped. “But I have to blame someone. Otherwise I’m angry with God. And I can’t be angry with God because I don’t believe in him. Or her. Oh that’s really fucked up, isn’t it.”

She snuggled back into Bernie again. Bernie kissed her hair and rocked her gently.

“No, it’s not,” she said. “Emotions aren’t necessarily rational. Plus there does seem to be some evidence that our brains are hard-wired for religious experiences. I think that’s quite interesting, actually.”

“Evolutionary adaption to help us cope with the knowledge of our own mortality,” Serena said.

“Could be, yes,” said Bernie.

They sat for a while, Bernie stroking Serena’s hair.

“I’m going to go back to counselling,” Serena said, suddenly.

“I think that’s a good idea,” said Bernie. “Was that your phone beeping?”

“It’s still in my bag.” Serena got up and retrieved her phone. She read the message. “Bloody hell!”

“What?” said Bernie.

“It’s Edward. He wants to know if I would like to visit Ellie’s grave with him.”

“Will you?”

“I don’t know,” said Serena, thoughtfully.

“Not a definite ‘no’ then?” asked Bernie.

“No, I don't think so ,” said Serena. “I’ll reply to Edward and say I’ll think about it.”

“Well, well,” said Bernie, risking a small smile. “There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Berenice, than are dreamed of in your philosophy.”

Serena smiled too at that.

“Fancying ourselves as a Shakepearian heroine now are we? Why don’t you get us another glass of wine, fair Berenice?”

Bernie did so. On the way back from the kitchen she tripped over the cushion Serena had thrown earlier and only just avoided spilling both glasses on the shag pile.

“Can you pick that up?” she asked.

“Yes, sorry,” said Serena, jumping up. “Why did you say the possibility of our brains being hard-wired for religion ‘could be’ an evolutionary thing? What else could it be?”

“You tell me,” said Bernie. “There is another explanation.”

Serena frowned. “But you’re an atheist.”

“Am I?” said Bernie. “Did we ever discuss it?”

“Well! There really are more thing in Heaven and Earth,” said Serena, shaking her head. “That’ll be a great one for a bottle of wine on a dull evening!”

She bent down to pick up the cushion.

“Just thought,” Bernie said. “You know you said there was more chance of you marrying Henrik than Edward getting religion? If you and Henrik do tie the knot you could save a bit of money on the ceremony. Edward could give you mates rates.”

Serena turned to her with her mouth open. For a second Bernie thought she had miscalculated, then Serena laughed. 

“Fuck off!” she said and threw the cushion at Bernie.

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own the Holby City characters or storylines. This was written for entertainment only. No payment has been sought or received from any source.  
> I originally intended this to be a much darker piece. It simply refused to turn out that way. I understand now what other AO3 contributors mean when they say the characters have a mind of their own.


End file.
